You have a choice.
I host a ladies night thing once a month here at the farm. It’s laid back and there are roughly 10 different dips or spreads and 23092832 crackers and I like it that way.
I cancelled it this week. I emailed everyone on Sunday and said my week was too jammed to have this happen and that was that.
Multiple people emailed me back they were impressed at my ability to cut things and let them go.
I’ve written on here before about this but if we aren’t cutting out the things that are not serving us, or things that are stressful to us - that we have the ability to release - how the hell are we supposed to function?
I love ladies night. Trust me. But I love sleep and didn’t wanna clean the house and with the sports schedule this week it was too much. The end. No hard feelings or guilt. I spent approximately 92 seconds making the decision when I woke up Sunday morning.
But oddly, so many women I know - struggle to do the same. It seems we are tethered to things that drive us crazy, bat shit crazy, but cutting the cord feels impossible.
I’m no therapist, but are we co-dependent? Do we thrive on the stress? The feeling ‘important’ and the running around all crazy in the name of someone else and something else that we don’t enjoy? Does it make us feel important and needed and wanted?
Pause - I understand we all have commitments that we don’t enjoy. I’m not focusing on those. I am focusing on the commitments we don’t enjoy that no one is forcing us to do. Examples: I’m not a huge fan of meetings - but they are a must for the work I do and the causes I am involved in. So I go to meetings and sit in them. But you better believe I don’t commit my ‘fun time’ to things I don’t enjoy for the sheer fact that I think I must commit to them.
I have a friend who literally always wants to cancel on some women she occasionally hangs out with. I am shook by this. What in the actual hell?!? But she thinks she needs to for her business and to keep her airs in the community and to be out and about - yada yada ohmygod.
Another friend of mine wants nothing more than to leave this bookclub she’s in. Reading the book in time stresses her out, bringing a dish to the meeting stresses her out - but yet every month- she does both. RELEASE BOO.
Time in a non-renewable resource. I say this dozens of times weekly. It helps affirm it to me: you are not getting any time back. No one up in the sky is saying ‘let’s put more time in her time bank.’
This skill of not doing things or going places or joining groups or hanging out with people — that I don’t SERIOUSLY enjoy - is like a muscle. It takes regular practice and use to wake it up and make it strong.
When I moved into my first place by myself and had my first real adult job - I felt like I could never say no. Ever. As if I said no to one thing would mean I wasn’t a great friend, employee, new girl in town… etc.
However I realized one day as I was complaining to a friend about something I “had to” go do - that I didn’t actually have to. I had a choice. YOU HAVE A CHOICE.
You are choosing right this moment to read this blog, which I’m so grateful for- I don’t take time commitments lightly. I eventually learned to choose to who I wanted to spend my time with when I lived alone and in that cute ass apartment. I stopped joining clubs and groups that didn’t fill me up.
Fast forward to being 30 and married and really happy. I didn’t get here by ignoring my right to make the decisions that impact my life. I deliberately and meaningfully made each and every one of the decisions that led me here. Make the choices that will make you happy. Not the ones you think you ‘should’ make.
Thanks for being here.